Finding Joy Again

Looking back, I find, can be discouraging so I try to keep living in the moment with flexible plans for the  future.   I specify “flexible” because we all know life changes unexpectedly and can put a kink in the best laid plans.  My hubby and I were looking for home many years ago.  We found one that we liked–I especially liked it.  I quickly, in my mind, had us all moved in, and was planning how I wanted all the rooms to look.  I had even started to plan how I wanted to plant our garden.  In the meantime, hubby found another house that he liked better and wouldn’t require as much work to make it up to date yet keep its character.  It made sense, but my heart was broken.  I had fallen in love with the dream I had created around that other house.  I knew how hard it would be with 3 kids to accomplish all we would need to do in the first home to get it up to speed but I loved that house anyway.   Now, I know better.  I collect ideas about the future but I treat them as hopeful dreams.  I won’t let them take root until I can actually begin working on them to create the reality and I keep a loose grip.  Things can be replaced easily enough.  People can’t.  I choose now to keep making new memories with family, friends and new aquaintances–creating joy.  These things which we can’t grasp but become part of us, they are the most precious to me.  Its the stuff which fills and satisfies my deepest longings.  So, I must reach out more–that’s hard for a rather shy person like me.  But I must do it to live fully.  I must be a friend to have friends (an old saying but a wise one) so I’m working at it a step at a time.  I wish you sunny days. 

The past four days have been really good.  My energy and motivation have been high.   My mind has been clearer each day and multitasking has become easier.  I find it hard to sit still for more than two hours, which can be inconvenient and frustrating but I still consider it a blessing.  It is so good to be able to feel energy and tension in my muscles again!

A peculiar turn in my journey is that for the last two weeks, my dreams have been very strange.  Many of them contain familiar images that have been repeated in one form or another for many years.  I have often wondered if they are messages about something that I must resolve but the answers have remained out of reach and mysterious.  A few nights ago, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning after one of those repetitive dreams trying to figure out its meaning without success.  As I drifted back to sleep, I prayed for insight to understand the meaning of these images.  As I awoke in the morning, a thought dropped into my head: “You keep looking too intently at the details (locations, faces, buildings, words, etc.).  Instead, look at the overall issues presented, and the common threads.  These hold the clues to the questions you must ask yourself.”  But, that sounds so simple a solution for such complex imagery and fractured thought patterns.  The images and conversations from my dreams fast-forwarded in my mind again and, using the instructions I was given, I was floored by the messages from deep within my brain.  My prayer for the key to unlock the meanings had been answered.  I will share more about this topic and what I discovered about myself in the near future.

Wishing you bright tomorrows,  Journey

Today has been a wonderful day.  For the first time in ages, I woke up feeling fairly rested, energetic and ready to meet the day.  I was looking forward to making a really nice breakfast for my spouse.  I was able to multi-task, washing dishes and cleaning up at the same time I was cooking!  I went shopping for some new casual clothes in fresh, happy colors.  When I got home, we had lunch and went for an hour walk at a local preserve.  I found joy in the scent of the pine trees, the just-blooming mountain laurel and the feel of various kinds of wet moss.  I could actually feel the working of my muscles again.  I felt so GOOD today!

I haven’t been able to feel deep emotion,  feel the muscles in my body or to do the ordinary things in daily life at a normal pace for about a year or more.  My body felt like lead and my brain (mind) was totally numb.  For the last year, I have lived in the present moment, unable to think a day forward or backward.  It got so bad that  one month ago, I couldn’t remember details of conversations I had or tasks that I had done only a half hour before.  I was just existing in the present moment.  It was a frightening experience.

I thank God for my doctor who figured out that the medicine I was prescribed prior to being referred to him was probably the bulk of my problem.  He took me off of it and started me on a new one.  The transition was awful but totally worth it to feel so wonderful today.  I hope I will stay this way most of my days.   Finally, relief and joy.  I am starting to anticipate a bright future.

Wishing everyone bright days,        Journey

Life is a journey to be enjoyed, overall. There should be hills, pastures, glorious color and interesting people to interact with along the way. Occasionally, one gets lost in dark valleys, perhaps even falling in some deep pit along the way. Without realizing it, I’ve been walking along the edge of valleys for quite some time and have finally fallen into a pit of depression. I am choosing to look upward and find joy again, allowing my Doc, family and friends to help me. Accepting help is hard for me as I’ve always been the giver. This is my journey to share with you. I’ll be posting my essays, poetry, information links that I find valuable and things that bring me JOY! My God has not abandoned me, that I know for sure as I’m finally getting the right diagnosis. And my hubby, he’s my best friend on Earth and greatest supporter even when its hard for him to understand me. My best wishes to you on your life’s path.